The X Factor TV Review: I Think I’m Having A Seizure

An article from earlier in the year claimed that human attention spans are now less than that of a goldfish. Given the way we use technology these days, this is about as predictable as moving in with your girlfriend and having to watch TV programmes you aren’t interested in. Speaking of which, X Factor!

*cue obnoxious music, lights flashing in no real direction, screen fills with the brightest colours known to man*

The first question for me is whether this counts as family entertainment. Do kids still watch this? It’s like ADHD: The Programme. Everything is so loud, both in terms of sound and visuals. Everything has to be accompanied by garish flashing lights, everyone in the building is constantly shouting, music plays in the background AT ALL TIMES (seriously, listen out for it). After 2 hours and ten minutes of this rubbish (which makes it longer than Back to the Future, a story about TRAVELLING THROUGH TIME) I feel like I’ve become an old man, muttering that the volume is too loud and the contrast needs to be turned down.

It’s not just the visuals, it’s the people. Everyone says controversial, obviously scripted things just to get a reaction (yep, Mason Noise is a bad boy. Sure). Olly Murs looks blankly in to the camera and says words that are clearly being fed through his earpiece. 17 year olds talk about not being able to imagine doing anything else (trust me, you’ll work something out). “Music is literally my life” is the same talking point for all 8,000,000 people auditioning. Rita Ora looks like something from the Hunger Games. It’s exhausting.

I’m not entirely sure what the appeal of the X Factor is. Is it just stimulation being directly pumped in to the brain with zero effort from the consumer? It’s like a parody; a comedy show that everyone took too seriously and now they’re too far gone to admit it was a joke. Every single part of the show is so overproduced and manufactured my brain shuts down and becomes incapable of basic thoughts. Is that why it’s been successful? People get so overloaded with nonsense their brain can’t tell them that what they are watching is really, really bad?

The initial stages are by far the most offensive, as people who don’t know any better are wheeled out for an audience of thousands to point and laugh when they can’t sing. “Ha, look at that moron trying to sing, after being told by the producers of the show to go out and perform at Wembley Arena! What an IDIOT!”

But as the show progresses, it becomes less offensive to decency and more to taste. The ADVERTS have more depth to them than the show itself. Almost literally NOTHING happens during the show. If it carries on like this, I’m going to have to invoice Simon Cowell for a new Caps Lock key for my laptop.

The theme this week was “reinvention”, in that they were supposed to re-imagine existing songs. One person did the version of Crazy in Love from the Fifty Shades of Grey film trailer. Most of the other “reimaginings” were just two songs put together for a mash up. That really says more about the thinking that goes in to the programme than I ever could.

I would like to say more about it, but 130 minutes of that crap has left me incapable of logical thought. It’s the televised version of McDonald’s or Miley Cyrus. It’s processed, manufactured mush. It’s worse than bad. It’s nothing. Steve Brookstein must be digging a grave so he can get in to it and start turning, and even he was pretty awful.

I did not enjoy this show.

The X Factor Rating: One epileptic fit out of ten.

The X Factor airs on ITV on Saturd… actually, forget it. Don’t watch it. It’s terrible.


4 thoughts on “The X Factor TV Review: I Think I’m Having A Seizure

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