DPD Delivery Service Review: “Delivery” and “Service” are loose terms

image.jpegThe slogan for DPD is “Your Delivery Experts”. Apart from the fact that they aren’t experts, they don’t actually deliver anything and they’re certainly not mine, this is spot on.

We recently bought a desk chair online, and DPD were assigned as the delivery company for it. Given that we needed the item delivered to our flat, I thought having a delivery company doing this made sense. It’s a shame DPD aren’t actually a delivery company.

Having taken the day off work, I waited patiently in the flat for the chair to arrive. I was sent a delivery slot, so ensured I was sat next to my phone with volume set to maximum for when they arrived. As our flat is behind gates, we gave them the delivery note that they would have to call my mobile so we could let them in. The delivery slot arrived. My phone buzzed to inform me I had a text message.

“We could not deliver your parcel today as no-one was in”.

I was bemused. I was sat RIGHT THERE. How could they say no one was in?

I picked up my phone and called DPD (after about an hour of trying to actually find their contact number). The guy in customer service checked the system and said that the delivery guy had taken a picture of the gates to indicate he had been there, so there wasn’t much he could do. This was said as though taking a photo of the gates was somehow a fair exchange for actually DELIVERING THE ITEM. After a few harsh words (from me, although it wouldn’t have surprised me), he told me he would tell the driver to turn around and try again.

I heard nothing else that day. Obviously.

The next day, when back at work, a text came through.

“We could not deliver your parcel today as no-one was in”.

I called DPD again, and told a different customer service guy I was back at work and wasn’t in (which is what I had explained to the other guy yesterday, of course). He offered to upgrade us to weekend delivery, which I accepted on the condition he could guarantee the item would be delivered that day. He guaranteed, so we agreed. I received a text confirming my slot on Sunday.

That Sunday, I rushed back to the flat so I would be in to receive the delivery. I had that guy’s guarantee that it would be delivered, so I waited with excited expectation.

Nothing. Not even a text pretending I wasn’t in.

So the next day we called again, and this time it was moved to Saturday. For the third time we explained the situation to another person, and for the third time they confirmed that the delivery notes said we would have to be called to let them in. All plans for that Saturday were postponed for another day.

Cue Saturday.

“We could not deliver your parcel today as no-one was in”.

With a level of rage usually reserved for the X Factor, I called again. The fourth 15 minute call explaining the situation to a new customer service guy. The fourth 15 minute call giving a different excuse for the situation. He said he’d get the driver to turn back. I said I’d call every 30 minutes until he arrived.

30 minutes later, nothing. Another customer service guy. I explained the delivery instructions.

“Well, actually Sir, the drivers don’t have to call as they use their personal phones”.

To ignore the fact that we were now 10 days and five angry customer service calls removed from the initial delivery date; this was news to this. Same deal. Promised to turn him around. I’d call back in 30 minutes.

Half an hour later, I was back on the phone. Another customer service guy (are they hired on one-call contracts? Actually, that would explain a lot), completely different explanation, as per EVERY OTHER CALL I’D HAD. Exacerbated beyond belief, I pleaded with him:

“I just want what belongs to me to be delivered. Is that so hard?”

“Well, Sir” he started, “it doesn’t technically belong to you until you have received it”.

I think he regretted saying that by the end of the sentence. If he didn’t, he did after my ten minute rant about why it was a stupid thing to say.

Same old deal. He’d chase the driver. I’d call back.

Except I didn’t. Life is too short to spend a full day on the phone complaining about the worst delivery company I have ever experienced. I settled down for a late lunch in front of the TV, and tried to prepare for life without my desk chair.

Hours passed and darkness began to descend over Bethnal Green with the approach of night. Suddenly, my phone rang.

“Hello. I’m with DPD. I’m outside your door”.

Leaping up from my chair, I sprinted down to the ground floor, where a delivery driver was holding a box. How he got through the gates I don’t even want to know. Our delivery had finally arrived, and I could finally put this mess behind me.

Oh look here’s my phone bill and the complaint calls cost me £30.

DPD “Delivery” “Service” Rating: 10 days late x 3 non-deliveries x 36 wasted hours x 6 angry phone calls x 6 different customer service guys x 6 different excuses for the situation x 78 minutes on the phone x £30 in phone charges = 545,875,200 reasons never to use DPD again.

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