London Has Fallen Film Trailer Review: Offensive AND Awful.

I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens for the second time this weekend. I absolutely loved it the first time around, so went in with a vague sense of anticipation. Would I still feel as affectionately this time? Or would I find faults with it I hadn’t noticed the first time around, when I was too busy making happy, squealing noises at the screen?

The good news was that I still thought it was great, and stand by my assertion that it’s the third best of the series. Taking away the wild, emotional engagement with seeing a Star Wars film again meant I watched the film with a more critical eye, and actually enjoyed the story a lot more. Knowing what the plot was, it bothered me far less than it did the first time, and I barely noticed it then. It also struck me how stunning it all looked, and what a great job they did with the Kylo Ren character.

The bad news was that I had to watch the London Has Fallen trailer again.

Now, maybe this will be an entirely different experience for those of you in the States, but check this sh*t out:

You know, a trailer about the destruction of London being an afterthought because the President has gone missing seems kind of crass to be shown in London. Especially two months after the Paris attacks. But hey, what do I know? I’m not a culturally insensitive, money-driven monster.

Anyway, since I’m here and having watched this absolute drivel, the least I can do is break down everything little thing that happens in minute detail, right?

0 minutes, 9 seconds.

Handsome President: What the hell they make you out of?
Handsome Security Guy: (running backwards) Bourbon and bad choices.

I can only presume the next scene of the film will be Handsome Security Guy being fired for being an alcoholic, given his job is protecting the President of the United States. In fact, I’d go as far as saying that alcoholism and poor decision making are the top two things you want to avoid from someone protecting the most important person in the country. Way to drop yourself in it, idiot.

Also, I have to point out that the President says Security Guy makes the “close-run Presidential race” joke every day when they go jogging. EVERY DAY. Less than ten seconds in to the trailer, and he’s already the most loathsome, annoying, under-qualified drunk to have ever stepped foot in the White House.

0 minutes, 26 seconds

Bald Security Guy: What’s wrong?
Handsome Security Guy: Nothing. Bugs the hell out of me.

Really? Nothing is wrong, and as a security guard that worries you? You must be unbearable to live with.

Also, isn’t that scarily close to “it’s quiet, a little too quiet”? You know, the clichéd movie line that is so passé it was mocked in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze. Twenty-five years ago.

0 minutes, 34 seconds

Just a car engulfed in such a big explosion it causes another car to explode as soon as they come in to contact. And not just any car by the way, but part of the security detail, it appears. Whatevs.

0 minutes, 41 seconds

American Reporter: Five of the World’s Leaders are now dead. The American President (dramatic pause) is unaccounted for.
Everyone else: What five World Leaders? Do they have names? Places of origin? They’re WORLD LEADERS, and they were just killed in a terrorist attack. Can you be any more specific?

Also, what kind of a news reporter leaves a dramatic pause before announcing the status of the President? That’s just shoddy reporting. I bet she works on Fox News.

0 minutes, 56 seconds

(Man appears on a screen)
Morgan Freeman: Barkawi.
Busy-body Meeting Attendee: Number 6 on the 10 list.
Morgan Freeman: Yes, I know who he is, dipsh*t, I just ID’d him on sight.

1 minute, 15 seconds

Morgan Freeman: We have to catch Barkawi, before he catches the President.

Umm… London seems to be essentially nothing but flames and rubble right now, anyone else going to worry about that? No? Just focusing on the President? ‘kay, never mind.

1 minute, 18 seconds – 1 minute 37 seconds

That’s an awful lot of explosions and clichéd action movie dialogue for 19 seconds, guys.

You should have brought more men.

BOOM

That’s an order.

BOOM

You’re going to have to find me first.

BOOM

You and whose army?

BOOM

You’re a loose canon, McGuire. You’re off the case!

BOOM

I-

BOOM

1 minute, 40 seconds

Indiscriminately Foreign Man: London is just the first stop.

Whoa, calm down, Mister. Destroy an entire city of eight million people, sure, whatever. But threatening other places as well? You’re out of line, Indiscriminately Foreign Guy.

BOOM.

1 minute, 55 seconds

Morgan Freeman: To those who threaten our freedom…
(stock images of people crying, war planes flying overhead, probably a McDonald’s Drive Thru or something)
Morgan Freeman (cont): … America will rise up.

Oh, well that’s good news. I imagine the Brits have decided to let the whole “totally and utterly destroying their entire capital city” thing go. We’re nice and polite like that.

2 minutes, 23 seconds

Oh no, the terrorists just hit that horribly computer-generated helicopter! Those BASTARDS.

 

And then the trailer finishes, on the cliff-hanger of the President being shot in an obviously CGI’d helicopter, with everyone having completely forgotten about that whole city that was just wiped out.

Again, I have to point out; this was shown in a cinema IN LONDON.

Now, I get that this type of films exist for a reason and there has to be a location for this stuff to go down so it has the most emotional impact. I also get that there are plenty of American cities that have received fictional terrorist attacks over the years as well.

But they seriously couldn’t have adapted the trailer a little for London audiences so it made the place where the audience lives seem a little more important to the story? Or at the very least, something more than an inconvenient afterthought? Especially given the very real tragedy that happened in Paris just a couple of months ago? Or the one we had in London just over ten years ago? Or that continue to happen all over the world with alarming frequency? You know, where real people are dying? Who am I even talking to here?

And it starts a Brit as the lead character! I… I don’t even know.

Olympus Hall Fallen did well enough in the box office, so there’s no reason to think it will flop like, oh, just about every other Gerard Butler film. But somehow, someway, he has managed to star in a film with a more offensive trailer than this:

Bravo, Gerard. I hope this film makes you enough money to go back to making terrible, terrible romantic comedies.

London has Fallen Trailer Rating: I sure hope those handsome guys aren’t too inconvenienced by the deaths of millions of people. That’s a day-ruiner, right there.

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5 thoughts on “London Has Fallen Film Trailer Review: Offensive AND Awful.

  1. K.L. Allendoerfer says:

    I guess as an American I must be considered more of the target audience for that movie, and I saw the same trailer when I went to see TFA. It was right before Christmas and I couldn’t agree more. Even from here in California it seemed offensive, coming so soon after the Paris attacks.

    We also rented “San Andreas” soon after we moved here to Silicon Valley last summer. In that movie you watch the entire city of San Francisco get demolished by an earthquake and then flooded in a tsunami. LA and Pasadena also take a beating on-screen. People are riding little motor boats around between these destroyed buildings. Other people get crushed on the Golden Gate bridge. Yet more are buried under tons of rubble as various buildings collapse. And what you are supposed to care about is whether Dwayne Johnson’s character and his ex-wife can get past the drowning death of their older daughter in a freak accident a couple of years ago and get their marriage back together again. Sometimes you just gotta laugh.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. larnerholt says:

      You’re totally right. I make fun of things like London Has Fallen, otherwise I think it’d just depress me.

      There is something odd about the way disaster movies include the human element. I appreciate that some people love the whole “disaster porn” genre (I don’t, but others do), but the screenwriters realise that two hours of just bad stuff happening won’t be interesting. Therefore, they add in the “human” plot, where you are supposed to become attached. Problem is, when you focus on the human element, you kind of have to say that the individual story is bigger than this massive event? It’s SO strange.

      On the other hand, San Andreas had the 6’5 250lbs Dwayne Johnson has a helicopter pilot, which is hilarious to me for some reason.

      Thanks for the comment.

      Liked by 1 person

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