I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens for the second time this weekend. I absolutely loved it the first time around, so went in with a vague sense of anticipation. Would I still feel as affectionately this time? Or would I find faults with it I hadn’t noticed the first time around, when I was too busy making happy, squealing noises at the screen?
The good news was that I still thought it was great, and stand by my assertion that it’s the third best of the series. Taking away the wild, emotional engagement with seeing a Star Wars film again meant I watched the film with a more critical eye, and actually enjoyed the story a lot more. Knowing what the plot was, it bothered me far less than it did the first time, and I barely noticed it then. It also struck me how stunning it all looked, and what a great job they did with the Kylo Ren character.
The bad news was that I had to watch the London Has Fallen trailer again.
Now, maybe this will be an entirely different experience for those of you in the States, but check this sh*t out:
You know, a trailer about the destruction of London being an afterthought because the President has gone missing seems kind of crass to be shown in London. Especially two months after the Paris attacks. But hey, what do I know? I’m not a culturally insensitive, money-driven monster.
Anyway, since I’m here and having watched this absolute drivel, the least I can do is break down everything little thing that happens in minute detail, right?
0 minutes, 9 seconds.
Handsome President: What the hell they make you out of?
Handsome Security Guy: (running backwards) Bourbon and bad choices.
I can only presume the next scene of the film will be Handsome Security Guy being fired for being an alcoholic, given his job is protecting the President of the United States. In fact, I’d go as far as saying that alcoholism and poor decision making are the top two things you want to avoid from someone protecting the most important person in the country. Way to drop yourself in it, idiot.
Also, I have to point out that the President says Security Guy makes the “close-run Presidential race” joke every day when they go jogging. EVERY DAY. Less than ten seconds in to the trailer, and he’s already the most loathsome, annoying, under-qualified drunk to have ever stepped foot in the White House.
0 minutes, 26 seconds
Bald Security Guy: What’s wrong?
Handsome Security Guy: Nothing. Bugs the hell out of me.
Really? Nothing is wrong, and as a security guard that worries you? You must be unbearable to live with.
Also, isn’t that scarily close to “it’s quiet, a little too quiet”? You know, the clichéd movie line that is so passé it was mocked in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze. Twenty-five years ago.
0 minutes, 34 seconds
Just a car engulfed in such a big explosion it causes another car to explode as soon as they come in to contact. And not just any car by the way, but part of the security detail, it appears. Whatevs.
0 minutes, 41 seconds
American Reporter: Five of the World’s Leaders are now dead. The American President (dramatic pause) is unaccounted for.
Everyone else: What five World Leaders? Do they have names? Places of origin? They’re WORLD LEADERS, and they were just killed in a terrorist attack. Can you be any more specific?
Also, what kind of a news reporter leaves a dramatic pause before announcing the status of the President? That’s just shoddy reporting. I bet she works on Fox News.
0 minutes, 56 seconds
(Man appears on a screen)
Morgan Freeman: Barkawi.
Busy-body Meeting Attendee: Number 6 on the 10 list.
Morgan Freeman: Yes, I know who he is, dipsh*t, I just ID’d him on sight.
1 minute, 15 seconds
Morgan Freeman: We have to catch Barkawi, before he catches the President.
Umm… London seems to be essentially nothing but flames and rubble right now, anyone else going to worry about that? No? Just focusing on the President? ‘kay, never mind.
1 minute, 18 seconds – 1 minute 37 seconds
That’s an awful lot of explosions and clichéd action movie dialogue for 19 seconds, guys.
You should have brought more men.
That’s an order.
You’re going to have to find me first.
You and whose army?
You’re a loose canon, McGuire. You’re off the case!
1 minute, 40 seconds
Indiscriminately Foreign Man: London is just the first stop.
Whoa, calm down, Mister. Destroy an entire city of eight million people, sure, whatever. But threatening other places as well? You’re out of line, Indiscriminately Foreign Guy.
1 minute, 55 seconds
Morgan Freeman: To those who threaten our freedom…
(stock images of people crying, war planes flying overhead, probably a McDonald’s Drive Thru or something)
Morgan Freeman (cont): … America will rise up.
Oh, well that’s good news. I imagine the Brits have decided to let the whole “totally and utterly destroying their entire capital city” thing go. We’re nice and polite like that.
2 minutes, 23 seconds
Oh no, the terrorists just hit that horribly computer-generated helicopter! Those BASTARDS.
And then the trailer finishes, on the cliff-hanger of the President being shot in an obviously CGI’d helicopter, with everyone having completely forgotten about that whole city that was just wiped out.
Again, I have to point out; this was shown in a cinema IN LONDON.
Now, I get that this type of films exist for a reason and there has to be a location for this stuff to go down so it has the most emotional impact. I also get that there are plenty of American cities that have received fictional terrorist attacks over the years as well.
But they seriously couldn’t have adapted the trailer a little for London audiences so it made the place where the audience lives seem a little more important to the story? Or at the very least, something more than an inconvenient afterthought? Especially given the very real tragedy that happened in Paris just a couple of months ago? Or the one we had in London just over ten years ago? Or that continue to happen all over the world with alarming frequency? You know, where real people are dying? Who am I even talking to here?
And it starts a Brit as the lead character! I… I don’t even know.
Olympus Hall Fallen did well enough in the box office, so there’s no reason to think it will flop like, oh, just about every other Gerard Butler film. But somehow, someway, he has managed to star in a film with a more offensive trailer than this:
Bravo, Gerard. I hope this film makes you enough money to go back to making terrible, terrible romantic comedies.
London has Fallen Trailer Rating: I sure hope those handsome guys aren’t too inconvenienced by the deaths of millions of people. That’s a day-ruiner, right there.