It Wasn’t Me by Shaggy Review: And The Award For World’s Worst Friend Goes To…

As I’ve said on repeat in my Championship Manager 01/02 challenge, the early 2000s were a weird time.  Case in point: a man called “Shaggy” was the biggest pop star in the world.

How did he get there? Well, he was already known for the touching, soulful ballad  Boombastic (sample lyrics: “You the bun and me the cheese, and if me the rice well you the peas”), but it wasn’t until 2000 that he had a monster hit with It Wasn’t Me.

“Monster” doesn’t really do credit to how big this song was. It was everywhere. It also made the career of guest vocalist Rikrok as he became oops I’m lying no-one ever heard from him again.

Anyway, you’ve probably absorbed this song by osmosis by now, but if you haven’t check out the video below. It’s worth noting that my review is based only on the lyrics and not the video, as a) the video directly contradicts the lyrics, and b) the video is absolutely insane.

(Note to self – do a review of that video.)

 

Rikrok: Yo man.

Shaggy: Yo.

Rikrok: Open up, man.

Shaggy: What you want, man?

 

Despite “man” being used three times in ten words at the start of the song, there is one thing that stands out immediately. Rikrok asks to be let in, and Shaggy totally blanks him. At no point does he say “come in”. It’s not even hinted at that he allowed Rikrok in, by saying something like “can you take your shoes off, please?” (you know, like most hit reggae-pop songs). Nothing.

For all intents and purposes, we can presume the remainder of this entire conversation took place through the front door.

Shaggy is the worst friend.

 

Rikrok: My girl just caught me.

Shaggy: You let her catch you?

Rikrok: I don’t know how I let this happen.

Shaggy: With who?

Rikrok: The girl next door, you know?

Shaggy: Man…

Rikrok: I don’t know what to do.

Shaggy: Say it wasn’t you.

Rikrok: Alright.

 

Well that didn’t take a lot of convincing.

 

Rikrok: Honey came in and she caught me red-handed creeping with the girl next door.

Picture this, we were both butt-naked banging on the bathroom floor.

 

That sucks. Oh well, she literally caught you in the middle of hanging sex with another woman, so that’s it. I presume you’ve been dumped, and you totally deserved it. Song over.

Oh wait, you mean there’s more?

 

Rikrok: How could I forget that I had given her an extra key?

 

You forgot you gave her a key? That’s your contents insurance void right there, fella.

 

Rikrok: All this time she was standing there she never took her eyes off me.

 

I’d have thought she’d want to look away rather than keep watching, but what do I know? I’ve hardly ever dated people who talk to their friends through doors.

 

Shaggy: How you can grant the woman access to your villa?

Trespasser and a witness while you cling to your pillow

You better watch your back before she turn into a killer

 

Oh sure, be that guy, Shaggy. “All women be crazy”, right?

Jerk.

 

Shaggy: Best for you and the situation not to call the beaner.

 

And casually racist, apparently.

 

Shaggy: To be a true player you have to know how to play.

If she say night, convince her it a day.

Never admit to a word when she say.

And if she claims you tell her “baby, no way”.

 

Yeah…. Not the best tactic to help your distressed friend, I have to say.

 

Rikrok: But she caught me on the counter.

Shaggy: Wasn’t me.

Rikrok: Saw me banging on the sofa.

Shaggy: Wasn’t me.

Rikrok: I even had her in the shower.

Shaggy: Wasn’t me.

Rikrok: She even caught me on camera.

Shaggy: Wasn’t me.

 

Even if we presume the camera footage was taken during one of the other sexual acts, his girlfriend still caught him four different times (the bathroom floor, counter, sofa and shower).

How long was she watching him for?!

 

Rikrok: She saw the marks on my shoulder.

Shaggy: Wasn’t me.

Rikrok: Heard the words that I told her.

Shaggy: Wasn’t me.

Rikrok: Heard the scream get louder.

Shaggy: Wasn’t me.

Rikrok: She stayed until it was over.

 

Oh, there’s your answer. “She stayed until it was over”. I don’t know who is weirder here: her for watching them move from room to room, or him for not noticing.

(By the way, Ricky, I think marks on your shoulder are the least of your concerns when she literally watched you having sex with another person).

 

Rikrok: I had tried to keep her from what she was about to see

Why should she believe me when I told her it wasn’t me?

 

Beats me.

Also, I have to take umbrage with the idea that you tried to keep her from seeing it. You had sex with another woman in a house she had the keys to. Call me a traditionalist, but I’d suggest you could have maybe done a little more to avoid it.

Anyway, forget that, Shaggy is coming back with some of his Grade A, through-the-door advice.

 

Shaggy: Make sure she knows it’s not you and lead her on the right prefix.

Whenever you see her make the gigolo flex.

 

You’re just saying words now, Shaggy.

 

Shaggy: As funny as it be by you it’s not that complex.

Seeing is believing so you better change your specs.

 

Yeah, that conversation will be fine, I’m sure:

Mrs Rikrok: What the hell are you doing? I just caught you in the middle of having sex with another woman and then stayed and watched you do it three more times which isn’t a weird thing to do at all.

Rikrok: Aren’t your glasses out of prescription? Can you be sure it was me?

Mrs Rikrok: Are you suggesting that someone who looks exactly like you broke in to your flat because you haphazardly hand out keys and then had sex with a woman in your flat, but because my glasses are out of date I mistook them for you?

Rikrok:

Mrs Rikrok:

Rikrok:

Mrs Rikrok: I LITERALLY WATCHED YOU HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER WOMAN IN FRONT OF ME.

Rikrok: Yeah, but… prescription.

 

Shaggy: You know she not going to worry about things from the past.

 

Yeah, Mrs Rikrok, get over it. That happened an hour ago. Move on.

 

Shaggy: Hardly recollecting and then she’ll go to noontime mass

Wait for your answer, go over there

But if she packs a gun you know you better run fast

 

Shaggy is approaching Ludacris levels of friendship here.

His friend comes over over having been caught cheating, Shaggy doesn’t invite him in but runs through a whole explanation for how he should pretend it was another person even though she saw with her own short-sighted eyes, and then throws in a casual “she might literally kill you, though”.

Worst. Advice. Ever.

Okay, I’ve had enough of this now. Shaggy might be the worst friend in the world

Rikrok, tell him what a piece of sh*t he is.

 

Rikrok: Gonna tell her that I’m sorry for the pain that I’ve caused.

I’ve been listening to your reason, it makes no sense at all

We should tell her that I’m sorry for the pain that I’ve caused

You may think that you’re a player, but you’re completely lost

 

Yeah, you put him in his place, Ricky. You might think you’re a player, what with calling yourself “Shaggy” and all, but you’re lost. F*ck you.

This isn’t the only brilliantly rubbish thing I’ve analysed. You can take a look at the others here:

Check back in every Monday for the latest reviews. I sometimes speak in 140 characters, which you can read about here.

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4 thoughts on “It Wasn’t Me by Shaggy Review: And The Award For World’s Worst Friend Goes To…

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