Mysterious Girl by Peter Andre Review: “Hello? Yes, I’d Like To Report A Crime”

On a list of life’s biggest mysteries, the continued celebrity status of Peter Andre is up there amongst “who was Jack the Ripper” and “how long will it take me to learn not to click ‘back’ when looking at Google images”.

The whole Peter Andre thing started with his 1996 smash hit “Mysterious Girl”. I’m sure you remember it, but if you don’t, here’s the video:

WARNING: What you are about to watch is aggressively 1990s.

See what I mean? Just look at this screenshot:

Andre

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Centre-parted curtains hairstyle? Check
  • Topless? Check
  • Six pack? Check
  • Hoop earring? Check
  • TWO gold chains around his neck? Check
  • In water for some reason? Check

Throw in the other two scenes of him in an unbuttoned denim shirt and an unbuttoned baseball jersey (despite being from London) and you get peak 1990s. It’s at least as 90s as a Tamagotchi or R Kelly saying troubling things about young women.

The song itself is exactly the kind of nothing pop song you’d expect from a year in which the best selling song’s lyrics are basically saying “I’ll tell you what I really want” over and over and over and over again.

And yet, for all the seemingly harmless, nonsense lyrics it’s actually a very sinister song.

 

“I stop and stare at you,

Walking on the shore,

I try to concentrate,

My mind wants to explore”

 

Remember, this is a song about a “mysterious girl”. From that we can presume he doesn’t know her.

This poor woman is walking along the beach on her own and this creep is just staring at her while he thinks about “exploring” her. If this was happening to you you’d be massively freaked out right about now.

 

“The tropical scent of you,

Takes me up above”

 

Especially when they’re close enough to smell you.

Seriously, picture it. You’re taking a nice relaxing stroll along the beach on what has so far been a wonderful break from your job as a nurse or cook at a homeless shelter. You’re a good person. Thank you for everything you do.

You’re kicking the waves as you meandre along the coastline, remembering something funny Geoff said before you left the office, when BAM some creep with curtains gets in your personal space, starts smelling you and stares at you like a maniac.

I tell you, Andre is lucky mobile phones weren’t a bigger deal in 1996 or this lady is straight on the blower to the police.

 

“And girl when I look at you,

Oh I fall in love,

No doubt you look so fine,

Girl, I wanna make you mine,

I want to be with a woman just like you”

 

Maybe hold off on the L-word until you’ve learned her name or, I don’t know, spoken to her?

 

“No doubt I’m the only man,

Who can love you like I can”

 

There’s no way you could know that. Don’t be arrogant, Pete.

 

“So just let me be with the woman that I love”

 

This is SO intense. You’ve literally looked at her on a beach once, calm the f*ck down. No wonder Jordan left you.

 

“Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, mysterious girl,

I wanna get close to you.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, mysterious girl,

Move your body close to mine”

 

I love how this is framed as though he’s talking to her, as if saying “move your body close to mine” is an acceptable thing to say to a stranger you’ve just seen on the beach.

Maybe if you’re in Magaluf, actually.

 

“Watching the sun go down,

The tide is drifting in,

We can get closer now,

And feel the warmth within”

 

Oh, sure, when the musician looks like a Greek god then this is totally fine. But if it was Shane MacGowen from the Pogues saying “now it’s dark I’m going use this opportunity to start touching you” you’d legitimately sh*t your pants.

 

“Cos I’m looking in your eyes,

Feeling so alive,

And Girl when you touch me,

It’s time to take it through the night”

 

I can only imagine the touching is shoving him away.

 

“Girl I wanna be with you,

I wanna spend the night with you”

 

Yep, we’ve gone from “I love how beautiful you are” to “I wanna nail you” in less than two minutes. Smooth move, Romeo.

 

“I need to be with the woman that I love

Girl I wanna do to you

All the things you want me to

I need to be with the woman that I love”

 

Anyone else get the sense George Lucas used this song as the foundation for his love story in Attack of the Clones?

So we get another chorus of Andre being overly forward to someone whose name he still doesn’t know, then we get to the “rap” section. It’s from International Megastar/Lewisham Sainsbury’s employee Bubbler Ranx (yes, that’s really the name he chose). Up until now he’s just yelled random comments about shining like a looking glass and souls being on fire, but now it’s his big verse, and he’s going to make it count.

 

“Well I’ve been sitting by the phone hoping, you’d call”

 

Not sure how you expect her to get your number, or why she’d call you rather than the police.

 

“When time me hear your voice I feel ten feet tall,

Body weh you have a make de man dem a bawl”

 

The body you have… makes men cry? Is that what we’re saying? Is that a good thing?

 

“Man a tripover man when time your name call,

Your pretty looks surround me like a flowers a bloom,

And I love the smell of your Elizabeth Taylor perfume”

 

What is it with these weirdos and smelling this poor woman?

 

“Your personality alone light up de room,

Just one kiss alone a make me heart go boom”

 

Shame you’ll never get one you absolute creep.

Anyway, the song carries on with Andre repeatedly asking her to get closer and move her body close to him, but cuts off before sirens interject and he gets thrown in the slammer.

It’s this kind of misleading storytelling that corrupts young people, I tell you. Sh*t’s more damaging than the Daily Mail.

Mysterious Girl by Peter Andre Rating: Two gold chains out of ten.

This isn’t the only brilliantly rubbish thing I’ve analysed. You can take a look at the others here:

Check back in every Monday for the latest reviews.

You can also follow me on Twitter here. I mostly get confused by what the hell the dressage part of equestrian is supposed to be, but it’s still worth it.

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