Sam Allardyce has left his post as manager of the England football team after allegations made in a newspaper that he once ordered a pint of wine.
FA Chief Executive Martin Glenn was quick to pay his respects to the outgoing manager. “I’d like to thank Sam for bringing passion back to the England national team while he made us look stupid. The latter is a given, so the former was much appreciated. He had ticked every criteria we had in the recruitment process, which was that he was English, but his position is now untenable. The allegations have somehow managed to make the FA look even more ridiculous than before, which we didn’t even think was possible”.
FA Chairman Greg Clarke added “Everyone at the FA is of course disappointed with the recent events. We were delighted that the performance in the 1-0 win over Slovakia was as awful to watch as we expected when we hired Sam. Until these allegations came to light we continued to have full faith that Sam would help us qualify with ease, before underperforming in the World Cup and being eliminated in the first knock out stage”.
Allegations made by the undercover sting operation from The Telegraph also included mentions of corruption and distasteful comments. However, as FIFA have proved, no-one really cares about corruption in football.
Sam Allardyce himself was quick to apologise for his discretion. “I apologise for my discretion” he said, making my previous sentence as redundant as Sam Allardyce himself. “I should have realised the pain it would cause, but I was just combining my three favourite things: drinking wine, drinking pints, and acting like a complete f*cking moron”.
Additional allegations include that the following video took place after he had drunk said pint of wine:
Allardyce is perhaps best known for his comment that had he been called “Sam Allardici” he would have gone on to become Real Madrid or Barcelona manager, rather than getting sacked by West Ham for playing crap football and getting booed by the home fans after every game.
The footballing world has paid tribute to the former Notts County and Limerick manager.
“I’ve always felt a bit intimidated by him” said footballing cheat code Pep Guardiola. “I agreed with his sentiments about Allardici, and just feel grateful that Barcelona overlooked him in 2008 due to his Englishness and prehistoric tactics and the fact that he’s a bit of an a*se. That was a close shave”.
Also commenting was Harry Redknapp, who drove to Wembley specifically to hang out of the window of his car for an interview. “It’s political correctness gone mad, innit?” said Redknapp, 86. “But fair play to the lad, he’s gone down a bit easy there. He should have claimed not to be able to read and write and that he lets his dog fill in his tax returns like I did when I was in court. That’s the only way to get out of these things. Even Sandra could have put that one away. Something something Niko Kranjcar”.
Burnley manager Sean Dyche has also offered his thoughts even though no-one asked. “If that was a foreign manager ordering pints of wine we’d be praising their ability to handle their drink, but an English manager does it and we call him a dinosaur, just because he obviously is one”.
On being asked for his thoughts, Tim Sherwood stared aimlessly at the camera, before finally saying:
The favourite to replace Allardyce is Alan Pardew, who confirmed “I’d never be caught drinking a pint of wine. Mainly because I stick to Jager Bombs”. Should Pardew be considered too much of a d*ck, Glenn Hoddle is next favourite to be offered the role, because it’s not like he’s already been caught out for saying something inappropriate or anything.
Sam Allardyce will now be forced to live on his £18.3m payoff from the FA until he is given the Hull City job in November and everyone moves on with their lives as if nothing happened.
Sam Allardyce Leaving England Rating: One pint of wine out of five.
Some of the facts and quotes may not be 100% accurate. Sometimes the complaints will be false.
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