I had said that I wouldn’t do reviews of music videos, but then I came across the video for Total Eclipse Of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler and I… I just don’t know, man.
Take a look at this sh*t:
So Total Eclipse Of The Heart came out by female Meat Loaf impersonator Bonnie Tyler in 1983. It was a year after Thriller, so I can only imagine a music video director saw that and said “I love the scale and the story, but can we make it more insane and less coherent?” And then shoved a metric f*cktonne of cocaine up his nose, probably.
So we’re in this big, gothic house thing. Bonnie is staring out of a window by candlelight as doves fly around. It’s your standard night in during the 1980s. Meanwhile, she sings very passionately as the guest vocalist shouts “turn around, bright eyes”.
AND THE CHILD’S EYES ARE BRIGHT. WHOA.
Bonnie seems pretty chill about the whole thing, though. She’s fine just walking through the corridors, occasionally finding rooms of what look like 40-year-old schoolchildren sat behind desks.
And then… oh, man, I don’t even know how to explain this. A child in mascara sitting on a chair with wings throws a dove?
And then someone throws a bucket of water over swimmers?
And then there are dancing ninjas?
We’re still in the first quarter of the song, by the way. This is how this video STARTS.
In case you were wondering, for the sake of brevity I’m just skipping straight past every scene like this. Not because it isn’t fascinating – it really is some of the most 1980s imagery I’ve ever seen in my life – but because I presume you know it’s going on. It’s a 1980s music video, and it stars Bonnie Tyler. It goes without saying. It’s kind of like how I’m not saying “because cocaine” at the end of every sentence. Some things don’t need to be said.
I probably say this all the time, but this might be my favourite gif of all time.
The way she bursts through the doors, the hair, the wardrobe, the Best Dancing Of All Time from leather-clad and sunglasses-wearing I-don’t-even-know-whats… it’s all so perfect. If gifs could be made in to posters I’d have like three of them on my wall.
Want to know how weird this video is? First time I watched it I didn’t even notice the shirtless American footballers doing a random little dance. Compared to the rest of the video that bit is normal.
And we return to the “turn around, bright eyes” refrain, so naturally we get a chorus of people with bright eyes.
How f*cked is it that this is the hook keeping the story together?!
Anyway, one of the children flies what appears to be about five foot…
… then a bunch of guys dressed only in underwear charge to the house if they’re redy for battle, only to break in to an unnecessarily flamboyant dance, and the mascara-wearing, winged-chair-sitting dove boy starts singing, and the adult schoolchildren start signing, AND this song feels like it’s been going on for about half an hour because even the first verse is sung and produced like it’s the closing chorus of a West End musical.
Anyway, it eventually turns to the day (thank God), and Bonnie’s wearing a spiffy suit and being introduced to schoolchildren by an elderly graduate who I presume is meant to be a headteacher.
So… was this just the dream of a newly qualified (and wonderfully dressed) teacher, nervous about her first day in a new school? Is that what we’ve just been through?
The answer is “no”, because…
A MAN CAN ONLY HAVE SO MANY FAVOURITE GIFS, DAMN IT.
In case you were wondering, what he’s singing there is “turn around, bright eyes” in a really high pitched voice. Obviously.
Bonnie is shocked…
So he sings it again in the same high-pitched voice without the eyes. I don’t know about you, but I think I find it creepier without the bright eyes.
And that’s it! That’s the video. So what did we learn?
- Bonnie Tyler can’t cope with the pressures of being a teacher.
- Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Total Eclipse Of The Heart Rating: Three 40-year-old schoolchildren out of ten.
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