I’m subscribed to the Movieclip Trailers YouTube channel and watch most of their content. It’s partially through interest in what’s coming out in the next few months, but also partially through hoping to see something so spectacularly awful I can rip on it on this very blog. The latter is difficult to do, as generally speaking, trailers are boring and by-the-numbers. The exception is things like War of the Planet of the Apes, which is so insane it’s hard to know where to begin.
This morning, I finally struck the jackpot.
Last year, I reviewed the London Has Fallen trailer (here) and thought I’d seen Gerard Butler’s career hit rock bottom. And this is a guy who did Playing For Keeps. I was wrong. I was so, so wrong.
Check this sh*t out:
Holeeeeeeeee sh*t. That may be the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. Let’s break it down:
The trailer starts (STARTS) with Gerard Butler looking all handsome and rugged walking in to a senate committee meeting. The main speaker says, “let the record reflect that he is nearly one hour late.”
In return, Butler says:
“Yeah, sorry about that, I literally had to fly in from outer space”.
That’s possibly the best line I’ve ever heard. Not just in a film, anywhere. It’s up there with “I have a dream” for me. “I literally flew in from outer space”.
I apologise in advance to everyone I know for repeating that line ad nauseum for the next several year.
“Literally flew in from outer space”!
Sorry, still not over that yet.
We then hear from US President Andy Garcia (!), who says during a press conference:
“Thanks to a system of satellites, natural disasters have become a thing of the past. We can control our weather.”
And you thought Donald Trump said weird things.
I desperately, desperately hope the next ten minutes of the film is dedicated to the questions from the press asking what the actual f*ck he’s talking about.
Apparently one of the satellites malfunctions, causing people in Afghanistan to freeze to death. Who could have predicted artificially altering the weather could have consequences?!
Anyway, apparently the only way to solve this is to “shut down all the satellites”. We then see a hilariously fake-looking tidal wave, and are told that lots of people have died due to the weather. To make sure it doesn’t happen again, Gerard Butler is sent back to space.
I sure hope it doesn’t make him late for any future senate meetings.
Gerard Butler’s daughter is worried about him going up to space, and he promises he’ll be back. You don’t know that, Gerard. Don’t be a bad father as well as awesome astronaut man.
Gerard is told to have a safe trip, but not to touch anything. So he does, because he’s a rebellious astronaut, I guess.
Look, I’ve hardly ever been to outer space, but I’d imagine “risk-taker” is one of the worst attributes an astronaut can have. But more importantly, if he’s commuting from outer-space to senate committee meetings, WHY IN THE HELL DON’T YOU TRUST HIM TO TOUCH ANYTHING?
Is Gerard Butler wearing a suit in the spaceship?
1 minute, 1 second
“This is Mr Jake Lawson,” says a woman we never see.
“The Jake Lawson?” asks the 20-year-old astronaut in a sleeveless shirt (seems legit).
And then, we get this from a random crew member:
“You look much older than I would have thought. I mean, you look good. *awkward pause* Am I getting fired?”
That MADE IT IN TO THE TRAILER. Was there really no better dialogue than that to hype your film?
Actually, I’m going to guess there was literally no other dialogue in the film. The trailer has all of it. The rest is an hour and a half of explosions, film-school level special effects and, like, Gerard Butler running.
1 minute, 14 seconds
The next half a minute or so covers one bit of dialogue about how it was a hacking rather than a malfunction, and constant CGI of explosions, extreme weather, and a plane falling out of the sky. You know, given they’re so lightweight and everything.
1 minute, 42 seconds
We then find out that the only person with the “kill-codes” is the President, which doesn’t seem like the most efficient way of working. Rather than, I don’t know, asking him if he can use the kill-code given the catastrophic loss of life there has inevitably been, they decide the only course of action is to kidnap him. Which we find out through totally organic dialogue that is in no way just exposition.
1 minute, 50 seconds
“Really? You’re kidnapping the President in a self-driving cab?”
I take back what I said earlier. This may be my favourite line of all time.
Also, Andy Garcia is just walking behind them. So not kidnapping as much as telling he’s been kidnapped and trusting he won’t just, I don’t know, run away.
1 minute, 52 seconds
We get a bunch more stock footage of things getting destroyed, which could only look more ridiculous if I drew it in Paint.
While this is going on, we get the slogan for the film:
“The world will be taken by storm”.
Jeez, how long did it take you to come up with that one?
1 minute, 56 seconds
“Jake, if you can’t stop it, no-one can.”
Just more totally organic sounding dialogue, there.
Also, this is said as Gerard Butler is sweating buckets before he pulls on a lever. He doesn’t need you adding to the pressure, bud.
2 minutes, 1 second
2 minutes, 15 seconds
“You do realise you’re committing treason-“
“Treason, oh yeah, I kidnapped the President, I’ve stolen state secrets-“
STOP. STATING. THE PLOT. THROUGH. UNNATURAL. DIALOUGE.
2 minutes, 20 seconds
We end the trailer with the woman driving the self-driving car (?) around a collapsing crane as there is a joke about her and the guy being an item. I have no idea what it means or why it’s supposed to be interesting or funny, which is a unique way to finish a trailer.
And that’s it! It’s official. I have a new favourite film.
Poor Gerard Butler. After 300 it felt like he was on the path to superstardom, and now he’s doing dreck like this. But hey, maybe it’ll get better. Maybe his next film will be more successful.
After all, who won’t love *checks IMDB*
Geostorms Move Trailer Rating: Gerard Butler really needs a new agent